The beginning

I am a man who used to write poetry to express my inner thoughts and stresses. It was free verse just to give me the freedom to write without constraints. I then became a man who had a lot of very open and caring friends. I could talk with these people about many things. My poetry stopped around that time. I now find myself lacking such friends. I moved and for the most part it has been a rewarding move. I left behind some of my closest lifelong friends who I could talk to. I also left behind a great group of people I met a strange place I like to call Lucent Land. An eerie multinational place with people of all kinds. Shandnani's, Assads, Golthi's, and many more very sweet and wonderful people. I have let such people fall away because I am bad at nurturing relationships.

I have a career I love and a home I can afford (sorry NJ you suck there). Two great dogs. A loyal and dedicated wife. Which seems an utter rarity in the ME generation. Probably why through the thick and thin of our short (everything is relative) relationship I choose to see it through. I have a daughter on the way to change my life in ways I can never foresee. I do lack those friends that will listen. Cops tend to be a cold and heartless breed. We love each other to death in the worst of times, but beat each other up all day long as we are all typically alpha personalities.

I find myself turning to writing again and hope this blog can be an outlet. It doesn't matter to me who, if anyone, reads it. I have never looked outwardly and am my own man and too much so sometimes as I have difficulty cultivating and nurturing new relationships.

My Friend Ron (20 million years and counting) is here, but our lives keep us from seeing much of each other. He is like my brother and one of the very few people I feel totally relaxed around. I admit to being a high strung individual. I have my Beth. She is a worrier and sometimes find it difficult to talk to her about my worries as it adds to her anxiety. To make matters worse I am not good on the phone. I prefer face to face interaction. Something completely lost on the ONLINE generation that considers a friends someone on your "friends" list. Real friends are those people who's hands you've shaken and who's eyes you've looked into while talking. I've always said I was born about 50 years too late. Though my parents didn't exist 50 years before I was born so we'll leave that for a sci-fi movie.

So I find myself fading into the quick to "bark" personality of angry adolescence. I figure writing may help as it once did. I am sure the people that already find me a hole (with a few letters in front) have made their minds up and if I am able to rekindle the more sensible me they wont care. That is OK. I've always been good with telling and being told the truth. I just hope to regain the balance in life that I once found. I am already trying to cut back on work hours as I found that deteriorates my well being. All work and no play makes Homer go crazy. Hopefully I can cultivate good relationships with people at church because I need friends outside the job and I left them behind in NJ.

On my right arm is the yin/yang in the form of a dragon and a tiger. The reason I put it there was to remind me of the Taoist Philosophy of balance. The bible never simplified the concept as well. The bible dances around the theme but never says it outright. I got the tattoo when my Christian beliefs weren't as strong. Why I faltered from Christianity is a WHOLE other blog. I am reading the bible translated from the original Aramaic and Greek into modern English. This in order to avoid those things "lost in translation." I may find I am wrong about the balance thing.

On my happiest days I have that balance. Able to do my job and "leave it in my shoes." Able to love my family but leave them to go to a place I may never come back from. Able to communicate with people without struggling for words or thoughts. I have, of late, opened my mouth and proved I am an idiot more than kept it shut and let people think so; If i may steal from a great saying.

So I as I start this blog to relieve my mind because I feel Facebook and other such venues tooooooooo public. I warn the future, if any, readers:

Anyone who dares venture into my unforgiving mind and reads this blog. Hold on! I am a man who's brain never shuts off. I lose many hours of sleep because of it and am interested in EVERYTHING. This being my first entry consider that my disclaimer.