So I haven't written since last year and only one time then too. I've been busy. She's 16 months old now and I've been busy. Generally happy too. Except lately. I had one of my somewhat infamous moments...I finally broke down. Almost three years since we lost our angel K and I held it together for soo long. My wife stated I haven't had drank in three years. I'm not much of a drinker to begin with, but I know why I was avoiding it. Well I didn't one night and it all welled up and did I make a scene and a mess. There's more to it than that though.
I have been struggling with an injured foot so there goes my number one coping strategy. EXERCISE. Motorcycle riding is effecting my hearing...say bye bye to the other coping strategy. The culture at my employer is changing to a more abusive, micromanaging, less trusting style. I still haven't made the super close connections with friends here, and probably scared some of them off that have never seen that side of me. ( I have to give a big cudos to my childhood friends for just accepting that I act out once in a while and not ever judging me to bad).
So before writing this entry I re-read my blog. I recognized a long time ago before we lost our angel that I did not have those close connections. I did find one person that I felt close to, but he left the area to do what he thought was best for him....If I got mad at him for that, then I would have to be mad at me....I did the same to my family.
So I lost it. I lost it because of fatigue. This was revealed to me by a good man that I was turned to for help. The bad decision of imbibing a few too many came because I was tired. We make bad decision at those times. I was tired of dealing with little disaster after little disaster after dumping so much time and energy over the past almost three years into my family. I mad a bad choice and revealed my weakness. But looking back on it (thanks to this blog) I failed a long time ago. SIMPLY...I recognized a problem ... my lack of close relationships and my weakness at cultivating friendships......and I did not act on that problem. So when I started felling low I had nobody to turn to. Usually this isn't a big deal. I work out my frustrations....enter bad foot and bad hearing and ooops no coping strategies.....pooof I lose! Boy did I this time too!
For anyone who doubts it. I miss my baby girl. I should have two making me tired. I also miss that big guy who's a decade younger than me. He is good folk.
Yes I am weak...all of us are in some way. I guess it is good to be reminded of that. I don't remember it being said the Super Strong will inherit the earth...quite the opposite I recall.
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